Lack of Motivation

I really should be studying.  I have 2 finals next week and one the following week.  I have lots to do.  Yet I sit here obsessively checking email, blogs, cnn, local news websites...just so I don't miss anything.

Instead of studying I'm sitting here trying to analyze WHY I'm not studying.  I have the time.  I have the resources.  I have no motivation.  Where does that come from?  All my life I cannot do anything to benefit myself except at the last minute when I have no choice but to do it or fail.  But let me tell ya, I can do things for other people.  Why is that?  I've made study sheets and emailed them to my fellow classmates.  Maybe it is the teacher in me?  Maybe that is how I need to learn--by doing and teaching.  Hmmmmmmm.  

Ok, it is cold (very cold:  36 degrees with 83% humidity; even colder than my home town of Cheyenne, WY at 44 degrees and 40% humidity.  I know because I just checked the weather) and dark and dreary and all I want to do is eat and sit.  Eat and watch tv.  Eat and waste time.  However, were it 80 degrees and sunny outside, I'll bet I'd still want to just sit and waste time.

I have class tonight from 7-9.  One class.  It takes me 45 minutes to drive to school and 45 minutes to drive back.  Note to self:  don't ever sign up for one class alone unless it is at least 3 hours long to make it worth the drive!  Do I really need to make that drive tonight in the wet and possibly slick conditions that are forecast to exist around driving time?  I mean, we are talking about the Urinary System.  We started it last night in class and it was quite painful mentally for me to sit and focus.  The teacher said something about how we generally think of the urinary system as blood in and urine out but it is more complicated than that.  After class a fellow student commented, "I still prefer the blood in and urine out idea of understanding!"  I couldn't agree more.  

I should be studying herbs.  That teacher requested last class that we know all the herbs from memory in each category so we could do a good review for our last class tomorrow evening.  There are 104 herbs and 7 categories for this class (one of three we have to take to learn all of the 300+ individual chinese herbs).  I'm a bit more worried about remembering those than I am about understanding the intricacies of the urinary system.  But it doesn't motivate me to study them right now.

And what about my acupuncture class?  In 2 semesters I've (supposedly) mastered the locations of 361 points on the body.  All I can think about is, will I ever be able to insert a needle into someone's throat to stop their cough?  Before I do that, will I be able to convince people to let me insert needles into their throats??  Oh, and can I get paid to do it too?  

Too much anxiety.  Everyone says that this is normal.  The first 2 years or so you are learning the foundation but have nothing really to relate it to.  Once you get to year 3-3.5 then everything starts to come together.  I have faith that that will happen but that doesn't comfort me much right now.  I should be studying.  But I'm not.

So I just keep trucking along.  Making my way through each day, each week, each class with the hope that some day it will all be crystal clear.  Ok, not necessarily crystal clear because there will always be that patient who will stump me.  No one ever knows everything there is to know.  But I want to at least feel like I am getting a handle on it all.  Perhaps that would motivate me to learn more, to study more, to want to go to class.  Because right now, today, it isn't there.

I think I'll skip class tonight and spend the evening with the kids.  Focus on them.  Make pizza with them and play games.  Maybe that is what I'm missing--some balance.  I get pulled in so many directions and my mind is never really where my body is.  I need to practice living in the now and enjoying it.  

Now I have my homework for tonight.  Those herbs will have to wait until tomorrow.  

 

Things that made me smile recently...

After the kids spent Friday night with our wonderful neighbors, the Bs, M came back with some of AB's clothes and with her hair in piggytails.  She has worn this night shirt every night since then and won't let me wash it.  She loves her hair and loves to pose.  She looks a bit like AB too!

Do you recognize this pretty lady?  Yes, it is Julie Andrews with C in a photo taken about a year ago.  She was in town promoting her new book and I got C a VIP ticket to meet her and see her lecture.  He is a long time fan and was thrilled.

We finally finished decorating our taller tree this weekend.  M is in front of the smaller tree (now downstairs) in her photo above.  We actually didn't bicker too much!  Happy family, beautiful tree.

O teaching M how to run the train that loops around the base of the tree.  It is a bit touchy but she is getting it and enjoys playing with it as much as he does.  Dress from AB.

I love how Brody lays right in the middle of things all spread out to take up the most amount of room just so he can be included.  What a social dog he is.

The kids hanging ornaments.

O reading a story to Brody.  It is a story about a car race where the dog wins and the cat loses.  O thought Brody would like it since the dog wins the race!

M snoozing before dinner in more hand-me-downs from AB.  Yesterday she and I had a chat about her thumb sucking.  She thought that if we were to find very special band aids to put on her thumb so she would remember not to suck it then that might work.  We went to 2 stores and settled on Hello Kitty pink band aids.  Keep your fingers crossed that this helps her break the habit.  Especially when she is tired/sleeping.

That is enough for now.  I'm starving for lunch.  This cold front is making me want to eat all of the time to fatten up for winter!

Trying a Little Happiness

After my poor mood took over last week I was reminded how I am not the only one who deals with these issues and that I have really good friends who always check in on me.  My friend, Annie, also posted this study on her blog which reminded me that I need to keep focusing on the positive.  

I've known this for years.  Oprah suggested years ago that one should keep a happiness journal where you list at least 3 things every day that made you smile.  When the going gets tough you then have wonderful memories to look back on.  I tried it but I was not good at doing it every day and quit altogether.  Now that I have an electronic version of a journal that I share with friends and family, I think I will try to post about those things that make me happy on a more regular basis.

 So, here is me giving it a try to share some happiness.  I will still post my frustrations because that is how I work through things plus I get great feedback from my friends and family.  That helps keep us close and aware of what we are all dealing with in life.

One thing that helped me get through last week was crying a lot over this story that I found on Da Momma blog.  It is such a touching story and reminds me how we can overcome anything when we surround ourselves with wonderful people.  Challenges come to all of us in many different forms.  While it is ok to take a moment and feel sorry for yourself during these times, there is a time when you need to pick yourself up with the help of family and friends and move on.  Thanks for the reminder, Nie Nie and godspeed.  By the way, the crock pot cake recipe came from her sister, Courtney's blog.  Also very inspiring.  Just the distraction as well as the lesson that I needed last week.

I'm going to start a new post for photos because I've gotten this far and haven't uploaded them yet.  Even though people tell me I can move the photos around once they are on my compose post I still cannot do it.  Maybe it is a Mac thing?  One thing's for sure, my computer is so much smarter than me.  So, I'll just start over.

December Birthdays

Saturday night we celebrated December Birthdays.  We had smoked pork chops, home fries, corn and a yummy french baguette.  For dessert, I tried a new recipe for crock pot cake.  Chocolate cake and we put Redi Whip on top.  I also made sure I showed the kids how to shoot Redi Whip into their mouths.  I cannot have my sister show me up!  The cake was different and I'm not sure I like it.  Maybe I cooked it too long?  I may try it again but it really didn't taste as good as it looked and smelled.  Sorry to all of you December Birthday people for making such a lame cake! 

We had fun remembering:

cousin Ella S.

Chris B.

Laine B.

Kendra S.

cousin Sherry

cousin Karen

Grandpa Maynard (12/25/1909(?) - 7/31/91)

cousin Riley S.  (little sis to Ella above!) 

Happy Birthday!

Mother Nature is MEAN

So yesterday (Tuesday 12/9) was steamy.  It was one of those overcast days that always confuse me.  Up north, when the sky gets overcast the temp usually drops.  Not so here in Houston so I get confused.  I think it will be cool outside even though the temperature says otherwise.  Such was the case yesterday.

It was overcast and breezy with a high of around 80 degrees.  It was 70 degrees at 6 am Tuesday morning when I stepped out to walk Brody.  I was wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants.  Both of us were sweating by the time we returned home.  It was steamy like when you go into the bathroom about 20 minutes after someone has showered.  By the time I was headed to school (around 4:30 pm) my car says it was 82 when I left my house.  When I arrived at school (35 miles north and west) my car says it was 66.  It was incredibly windy--like, knock you over if you aren't careful windy.  By the time I got out of class at 10 pm it was 50 degrees.  

This morning at 6 am it was 34, rainy and very windy.  In my just-woke-up-daze I thought, how does that happen?  How can it be 70 degrees one morning and 34 the next??  Needless to say I went right back to bed.  The dog was ok with that once I let him out into the back yard to potty.  He didn't want to be outside either!  We curled up together for another hour of snoozing.

Mother Nature is just plain mean.

Fair Warning

Everyone should just steer clear of me this week.  

I am not a happy camper.  

I am PMSing like crazy plus I had to say goodbye to yet ANOTHER good friend who is moving away from Houston.  I mean, so many of my really close friends have moved from the area in the past few years.  These friends are like family to me, my support system.  How dare they leave me!!  Here is how I'm dealing with it all:  gorging on Halloween candy at all times of the day and night, sipping rum and coke at all times of the day and night just to cope (just so you know, NOT the best coping strategy), screaming and yelling at my kids, crying at stupid stuff...  It isn't pretty.  So, run and save yourself.  Don't make eye contact.  Sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to request a chemically induced coma when other's lives are in danger when coming into contact with me.  However, with all of my luck this week I'd probably die which would really piss me off.

See?  I just can't be happy this week.  Not a positive bone in my body.  Sorry if you happen to get caught in the deluge.   

Something to do

My parents and I visited the National Museum of Funeral History located here in Houston when we first moved here years ago.  It was fascinating.  We humans have such interesting ways of dealing with our dead.  Anyway, they are opening a new exhibit:  Celebrating the Lives and Deaths of the Popes 

Another visit might be in order...

After I see the latest Body Worlds Exhibit of course.  

What a morbid post.