Instead of studying I'm sitting here trying to analyze WHY I'm not studying. I have the time. I have the resources. I have no motivation. Where does that come from? All my life I cannot do anything to benefit myself except at the last minute when I have no choice but to do it or fail. But let me tell ya, I can do things for other people. Why is that? I've made study sheets and emailed them to my fellow classmates. Maybe it is the teacher in me? Maybe that is how I need to learn--by doing and teaching. Hmmmmmmm.
Ok, it is cold (very cold: 36 degrees with 83% humidity; even colder than my home town of Cheyenne, WY at 44 degrees and 40% humidity. I know because I just checked the weather) and dark and dreary and all I want to do is eat and sit. Eat and watch tv. Eat and waste time. However, were it 80 degrees and sunny outside, I'll bet I'd still want to just sit and waste time.
I have class tonight from 7-9. One class. It takes me 45 minutes to drive to school and 45 minutes to drive back. Note to self: don't ever sign up for one class alone unless it is at least 3 hours long to make it worth the drive! Do I really need to make that drive tonight in the wet and possibly slick conditions that are forecast to exist around driving time? I mean, we are talking about the Urinary System. We started it last night in class and it was quite painful mentally for me to sit and focus. The teacher said something about how we generally think of the urinary system as blood in and urine out but it is more complicated than that. After class a fellow student commented, "I still prefer the blood in and urine out idea of understanding!" I couldn't agree more.
I should be studying herbs. That teacher requested last class that we know all the herbs from memory in each category so we could do a good review for our last class tomorrow evening. There are 104 herbs and 7 categories for this class (one of three we have to take to learn all of the 300+ individual chinese herbs). I'm a bit more worried about remembering those than I am about understanding the intricacies of the urinary system. But it doesn't motivate me to study them right now.
And what about my acupuncture class? In 2 semesters I've (supposedly) mastered the locations of 361 points on the body. All I can think about is, will I ever be able to insert a needle into someone's throat to stop their cough? Before I do that, will I be able to convince people to let me insert needles into their throats?? Oh, and can I get paid to do it too?
Too much anxiety. Everyone says that this is normal. The first 2 years or so you are learning the foundation but have nothing really to relate it to. Once you get to year 3-3.5 then everything starts to come together. I have faith that that will happen but that doesn't comfort me much right now. I should be studying. But I'm not.
So I just keep trucking along. Making my way through each day, each week, each class with the hope that some day it will all be crystal clear. Ok, not necessarily crystal clear because there will always be that patient who will stump me. No one ever knows everything there is to know. But I want to at least feel like I am getting a handle on it all. Perhaps that would motivate me to learn more, to study more, to want to go to class. Because right now, today, it isn't there.
I think I'll skip class tonight and spend the evening with the kids. Focus on them. Make pizza with them and play games. Maybe that is what I'm missing--some balance. I get pulled in so many directions and my mind is never really where my body is. I need to practice living in the now and enjoying it.
Now I have my homework for tonight. Those herbs will have to wait until tomorrow.
2 comments:
Yeah, it's classic, Tami. It's a little on the edge of burn out. When I was in school as an undergrad all I had to focus on was school. That was my life and what motivated me. It was harder for my PhD because I had a job and a house and friends. I could never imagine doing school while also having a family. Too much else going on, why would I be constantly motivated to study??? You're just not motivated right now because there are other cool things out there to do (playing with the kids and eating pizza) than going to school. Since you've lived life before this school, you are aware of it! That's what it is with undergrads who don't know the real world yet, igonarnce is bliss ;) I know tonight in this weather, I am just looking forward to bundling up with Paul and Anna, eating his soup, and drinking hot chocolate. Hey, if you like we can bring over the soup or you guys could come over! We've upgraded our fireplace :)
Oh wait, I'm encouraging you to skip class. Shouldn't I be that supportive friend: get out there and bust your ass! (The problem is I'm obviously too burned out from school to be able to motivate you msyelf ;) ).
I can relate - I was unmotivated on this day as well. Didn't want to go to work - ever again - and look what happened! Glad you skipped so you could enjoy the snow with the kids and hubby:)
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