Life Changing

So many things going on. My head is swirling and it is all manifesting in grumpiness. So many things I have control over and others I don't. Those things I can control, I seem to put off causing more work and stress. What is it with that??

When I inevitably get to this point in life (several times each year), I yearn for the "good old days" when things seemed easier. I know full well that things weren't easier. Just different. I miss friends and family more because I crave their love and support. I know, it is always there when I need it and I appreciate that. But I long to be closer to those people who gave me the memories I have of the "good old days". Those memories and that feeling of comfort will help me through the changes to come. I can see from looking back how far I've come, how many changes have occurred (both welcome and unwelcome) and they support me as I move ahead.

I'm a lucky girl to have such amazing family, friends and wonderful memories.

Now, back to work...

Finally Here

Not everything got completed as I had hoped. And I'm ok with that. No matter what was checked off my list or not, I get to hop into a plane tomorrow morning and head to Vegas to spend time with the girls. My BFF will be there along with several who are near and dear to my heart plus a few I'm meeting for the first time.

I love spending this weekend every Oct. doing what I want to do, when I want to do it and having a wonderful laugh along the way. It fills my soul. It is something I do for me. Each year it gets bigger and better. I can hardly wait!

Photos will be uploaded throughout the weekend if I can remember how to do it! If not, I will post them next week.

5 Weeks, Brain Chemistry and the Big Trip

I am 5 weeks into Fall semester at school. So far so good. With the motivation of my annual girls weekend in Vegas, I've managed to complete (or will complete before next Weds) many of the papers, research projects and the assignments that I need to complete for my classes. I didn't want to head to Vegas and be unable to enjoy myself having to face a bunch of assignments upon my return. Now I can come back and focus on the last four weeks of studying for the Intern Entrance Exams.

I'm also really enjoying the semester, as busy as it is. I've reached a turning point in my education where I am being pushed to apply what I've learned and figure out how to work my way through a case. It makes all of the blood, sweat and tears of the 3 past years worth it. Now, if I can just pass those entrance exams in Nov.....

The kids are doing great with their school too. O complains a lot about school like an 8 year old should. Nothing other than he'd rather play video games and play with his friends all day every day instead of "learning stuff" as he puts it. Independence is a huge focus this year for 3rd graders and, while he has always done a lot on his own, he is feeling a bit more pressure to follow through on his responsibilities. He is doing a great job too.

M was beside herself with excitement the first day she brought home homework! While she knew many letters/sounds and numbers before Kindergarten, she now understands how huge it is to master these concepts in order to learn how to read. She is very motivated and is loving every minute of it. She had an incident Monday of this week where she had her first potty accident at school. I was fully prepared with a change of clothes in her backpack. We learned from going through it with O that the nurse (lucky her!) gets to take care of these situations. M took her clothes to change into in the nurse's office, the nurse put her wet clothes in a plastic grocery bag for her to put back into her backpack to bring home and sent her back to class. Well, somewhere along the way, M forgot that the bag had her clothes in them and not trash. She helps collect the house trash each week and equates plastic grocery bags with trash I guess. So, when she got back to her classroom, and with the confusion of the end of the day chaos where she needs to get her things together to go home for the day, she threw her clothes away. There is always a note from the nurse when she sees a child at school so C knew she had gone to the nurse and why. But he couldn't find her wet clothes in her backpack. When he asked her about it he said he could see the gears turning in her head while she pieced it all together and figured out what she had done. There was a huge meltdown, of course. But, no harm done. Just another story to tell about growing up!

I'm still doing amazingly well after the treatment with amino acids to help regulate my brain chemistry/neurotransmitters (I thought I had blogged about it but I must have just sent out a massive email. I'll catch you up if you are interested). Haven't taken any of the supplements for at least 4 weeks. If I start to get overwhelmed I can talk myself down and prioritize. It is good to feel like I'm in control and I can make choices. Also good not to feel so down and depressed. Saw the PA (Physician's Assistant) yesterday and she said I can use any of the supplements as needed. It is a great feeling. Of course, nothing is perfect and the true test will be during the depths of winter after the holidays. I'll keep you posted.

Next Thursday morning (Oct. 7th) I'm off to Vegas for my annual girls weekend. We have lots of fun stuff planned: lounging by the pool, hanging in the suite (our first year getting a suite), a decadent dinner, zip line in Boulder Canyon, time at the spa, a Saturday evening show and the traditional Sunday Champagne Brunch. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Since I got my new phone in April, I haven't figured out how to update my blog easily/conveniently/quickly. I will figure it out so I can update it more frequently.

Happy Fall everyone!

Birthday Flowers

Inspiration

http://www.attitudeisaltitude.com/

If this guy doesn't inspire you, you must have a cold rock for a heart! Enjoy and be inspired.

Cool Huh?

Groundhog Day

I just read a blog that describes motherhood as Groundhog Day. I think she nailed it. Don't know why it didn't occur to me before. The mind numbing every day repetition that, no matter how hard you try to tweak it, ends up the same every single day. I love that and hate that all at the same time.

And in the spirit of Groundhog Day, M woke me up again at 330 am. This time she had peed all over the bathroom floor. At least yesterday she made it onto the toilet. See? Even the kids try to tweak the daily repetition! But, in the end, the morning is the same. I'm a grouchy mom that didn't get enough sleep, trying to figure out how to make it through the day. She is blissfully asleep. Just like yesterday.

Great Facebook quotes this week

" You cannot teach a person anything; you can only help them find it within themselves." -Galileo

"I make mistakes, I am out of control at times and hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater: Give her sperm, she will make a baby; give her a house, she will give you a home; give her groceries, she will give you a meal; give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what she is given. So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit. -Unknown

Reminder to me: baby steps

I woke up this morning feeling very negative and disappointed in myself. You see, my semester officially begins today but my classes this semester are on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday so I have one more day. But I had had big plans to get some things accomplished around the house during my break. The major project was to sort, purge and organize the kids' toys. They are taking over the house and the kids don't seem to know how to clean them up or where to put them. I was able to spend one afternoon before Christmas going through some things in the play room but I didn't get very far. It is a HUGE undertaking and one that I think will be most productive when the kids aren't here to protest when I dredge up toys they haven't played with for a year.

So, waking up and realizing that my break is coming to an end with so much left to accomplish, I was feeling like a failure. Again. Can't keep up. Why do I do this to myself? Then I remembered last year I vowed to take the Fly Lady's advice and take baby steps. With so much to do, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed I give up because I feel like I'll never get it done so why even try to begin? But, the Fly Lady suggests setting a timer for 15 mins every day and work on one project. After several days/weeks/months (depending on the size of the project), it will be completed. Then you move on to the next project. Break it down into manageable size and take it on in small chunks. It makes so much sense so why can't I do it? I need to just work on new habits. I have to be ok with sorting through one small box of toys each day for 15 mins then setting it aside until the next day. It will get done quicker that way than if I wait until I have more time to complete it in one sitting.

So, that is my major goal for 2010: baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

Beware

I often hesitate to post because I think that what I have to say isn't that interesting. Or that posting every little thing that comes to my mind is beyond narcissistic. However, I LOVE reading what my friends are doing through blogs, Twitter and Facebook. It makes me feel like I'm part of their lives more even though we are separated by time and/or area. Also, I tend to close myself off from others while, at the same time, I long for some connection or companionship throughout the day.

So, with all of these things combined, I figure I'll post more mundane thoughts, happenings and comments. Hope you all can take it!

More Vegas photos

DF and her midget Elvis. The chest hair was real (as he is showing) but the side burns were press-on. Same difference, right?!

Loving my red wine at Nora's

I have many other photos posted on Facebook. Go there to see the cactus garden, the Bellagio/Venetian deorations and pictures of the other gals.

The girls in Vegas

TR and I

KS, ER and I

JJ, KS and I at Pure

DF and RG at Pure

Minus 5: DH, DF, KS, me, RG, TR and AO

Vegas photos

Day time and night time view out our hotel window.

Vegas trip 2009

Some of you have asked what we do in Vegas. I wanted to tell you and also just get it down for future reference.

I arrived first on Thursday afternoon. I was kind of put off by the high energy and chaos that I felt at the airport. Instead of letting it get to me right away, I took my time and chose to take the shuttle from the airport for $6 one way. A taxi from the airport is twice that but a quicker ride. The shuttle goes to several properties so you have to ride around with 15-20 of your new best friends. My shuttle first went to the Rio which is off the strip. I had never been out that direction before so it was kind of fun to take that ride. My stop at Paris was next so I didn't have to ride the shuttle for too long. The driver kept saying Paris with a P and I couldn't figure out why. Later in the week someone pointed out that it sounds like Harrah's.

I arrived at Paris and again felt overwhelmed. The noise and the chaos of the casino gets to me. I went to check in and found things weren't quite as I had requested. But, it ended up not being a real big deal. The desk agent and I worked out a few issues and I was all set to go up to the two rooms I had reserved for the 8 of us gals.

When I walked in to the room, it was fine. Nothing fancy really. Then I walked over and opened the curtain sheers and caught my breath. The view was amazing! We were on the 16th floor with a fabulous view of the Eiffel Tower and the lovely pool area. I could even see the Bellagio and those fountains across the street. I was pretty happy and excited to get settled in.

I had brought along a lot of food/drink stuff so I proceeded to unpack and set up the room so it would be ready when the other gals arrived. DF joined me next and it was nice to have some time alone with her. We started these annual trips to Vegas 8 years ago or so. It is our trip. We LOVE having other friends join us but it is ultimately our trip. It is our time to connect and do something fun together.

ER came along just in time for dinner. We had a yummy dinner at the French Restaurant downstairs, drank wine, enjoyed the fountains and had fun anticipating our weekend plans. KS and JJ joined us before bed time. I think traveling took its toll on all of us and we called it an early evening. We slept in some on Friday then found our way down to the buffet. We pigged out then wandered off to the pool to relax. DH and RG joined us mid-day and TR was the last of the group to arrive a few hours later.

All of us were ready to shop then. TR and I were looking for new clothes so we headed to the Miracle Mile shops next to Paris and ended up having a great time trying on clothes at Ann Taylor Loft. Everyone helped out and I think the retail staff enjoyed our happy group. We finished up just in time to head to dinner.

Dinner was at an Asian restaurant also located at Paris. We wore our new clothes and had a blast. JJ managed (as usual) to get us free VIP passes to go to Pure Night Club at Caesar's Palace. We had to wait for a bit and once we got in we stayed for about an hour. It just wasn't all that. Plus we couldn't sit down. Seats/tables are reserved for those buying bottles of booze. We weren't up for that so we headed back to hotel room. We were played out anyway from all of that relaxing and shopping!

Saturday was crepe day! How I love those French crepes! TR had an appointment with psychic, Kileen after that. TR has seen her several times and it was hard to decide if I wanted to join her or not. ER, JJ and KS joined her but I decided that I wasn't in the right mood right then. RG went to the spa. DF, DH and I walked around for a bit then ended up at Margaritaville to pass the time until the gals finished their session. When we met up with them they sounded like they had had an amazing time. It was then that I wished I had gone with them. Maybe next year.

We then headed out to rent a limo to take us to Ethel M's Chocolate Factory. We were surprised to find out that after waiting for quite a long time it was homecoming weekend and all of the bigger limos that seat more than 6 people were booked! Finally we decided to take 2 taxi cabs to the chocolate factory. That was an adventure! Our driver wasn't sure where he was going. It was a $30 trip. The factory is open on weekends but no one is making the chocolate so we didn't really get to see anything but the equipment. Everyone got their chocolate fix though. There is also a gorgeous cactus garden there which I enjoyed walking through.

A couple of the girls managed to get us seats on a tourist bus to get us back to the strip--YAY! Free ride! We only had to tip the driver. Much cheaper and better than the taxi ride over! Then we split up a bit for dinner. Several of us headed to Nora's Wine Bar for yummy Italian food and wine (of course!). Another interesting taxi ride for $50. Again, the driver didn't know where he was going. But we got there and fun was had by all. RG's friend who lives there drove us back to the strip. So we didn't have to pay that taxi fee again! Saved again! YAY! I think we were all tired after that. A couple of the gals headed down to the Stratosphere to ride the rides. The rest of us crashed.

Sunday morning we were up and out the door early--8:45 or so. We wanted to hit the Champagne Brunch at the Wynn before several of the gals spent the afternoon at the spa. Unfortunately, JJ had to head out that morning so we missed her company. The brunch was amazing and we had so much fun. Our waitress was a hoot and she made sure our mimosa glasses were never empty plus she gave us full to-go cups! The spa girls broke off from there and the rest of us meandered our way back to the hotel by wandering through the Venetian, drinking and shopping along the way. DF had one goal for the weekend: to see a midget Elvis impersonator with press-on chest hair! We found him that afternoon at the Flamingo! What a riot! Back at the hotel ER had to start packing to catch the red eye later that night. DF and I snoozed and snacked while we waited for the other girls to return from the spa. Once they returned we headed over to the Bellagio Conservatory to see the awesome decorations. Back at the room we snacked and talked until it was time to say our sad goodbyes to ER.

We then headed down to Mandalay Bay to go to the Minus 5 Lounge. Again, we had so much fun! They give you parkas and gloves and supply you with one vodka drink as part of the entry fee. Everything but the floor and ceiling were made out of ice: tables, chairs, walls, decorations, glasses... it was awesome. We probably would have spent more time in there but we had skipped dinner and were hungry. After buying souvenirs we headed off to House of Blues for dinner. By that time we were all exhausted. Except for KS who had had several energy drinks at Minus 5! She was like a puppy running around us on our walk back down the strip!

Once back in the room we all prepared to head home the next morning. Everyone slowly trickled out on Monday with the last of us flying out by 1 pm. The weekend was, as always, full of jokes and laughter, lots of fun and planning for next year. By the way, all the gals can join us next year: October 7-11, 2010.

And THAT is what happens in Vegas. I know. We are totally out of control. Pictures to follow.

Kiddos and the week ahead

Here are the photos of M's hair as I promised.

C is excited to get O involved in Boy Scouts. Here he is in his uniform. Cute, eh?
On top of the other things that happened last week, M flooded the bathroom by plugging up the toilet. That was a fun time cleaning that up. Now she is terrified of flushing the toilet! Funny but annoying at the same time.

Today will be spent cramming for my first Herbal Formula quiz tonight. The quiz is only worth 5% of our grade but I know from experience that if I do poorly, it psychs me out for the midterm. I need to get a handle on this stuff so that I don't feel overwhelmed come midterm time.

Tomorrow, observation in the clinic. Saturday work. Sunday I signed up for a CPR class to renew my certification but I may skip it as I have another quiz coming up on Monday plus a paper due Weds. Also, O has a b-day party to attend Sun followed by a game and it is our turn to bring snacks. Busy day. After all of that, I take off one week from today for Vegas. I feel that it is a well deserved trip and am very much looking forward to the break, a change of scenery and time with friends.

Have a great weekend everyone. Love to all.

New Doo

See what happens when I trade massages for free hair care?!!

Not exactly mother of the year

I just told my kids that I have big tests this week and they should leave me alone because I will be grouchy.  I encouraged them to help one another out before they bother me about something.  I'm giving them so much stuff to tell their counselor when they get older!

Thanks for dealing with the drama

Again, as I've said before, thanks to all of you for your support.  Even on my darkest days I know I'm loved and I could reach out to any/all of you.  I just hope you all don't get annoyed with my 2-3 times per year mini dramas.

Anyway, to answer some of your questions...

Yes, depression does run in my family.  I believe it is only a mild to medium form of depression but it is still debilitating.  

I've taken the antidepressant Effexor before.  I didn't like the way I felt on it--numb is the word that comes to mind--and when I weaned off of it it was horrible.  The side effects were terrible.  Even though I know that there are a whole slew of antidepressants out there and they each work a bit differently, I would have to be really bad off to take another.  

I've considered counseling but just never really get around to it.  I've known people who have done well with it but I just haven't taken the plunge yet.

I've tried as many alternative treatments as I can find.  I mostly find success when I can do well with my diet and get regular acupuncture treatments with herbs.  It just so happens that I haven't had an acupuncture treatment for about a month because of time constraints and it came back to bite me!  I find that at this point it is better for me to go see an intern at the school clinic.  I'm hoping within the next semester or two I can do more at home on my own.  I've needled myself some so I know I can do that part.  It is the diagnosing part that I'm not yet good at.

Also, my new blender is due any time now (actually they tried to deliver it on Friday but we had already left for the game and they won't leave it without a signature) so I'm hoping to start having green smoothies daily and get some better nutrition.

We had a pleasant evening at ZCM and CM's house this evening.  I always enjoy just hanging with our wonderful friends.  Even though I've slept so much the past few days I'm still tired this evening.  Hopefully I'll get some good rest tonight and be ready to go tomorrow.  It is back to reality!

Hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day Weekend.  Love to you all!

The day in the life of depression

I've never made it a secret that I deal with depression on a fairly regular basis.  However, I don't know that I've ever come out and described a play by play of dealing with it.  I may have tried in the past but I often reveal these stories after the situation has passed.  Not necessarily as it happens.  Usually as it happens, I tend to become super introverted.  I avoid people.  I avoid public situations just because my emotions are so unpredictable that I fear losing it in front of everyone.  Tomorrow we are supposed to go to ZCM and CM's house for a cookout.  While I look forward to seeing my friends, I dread the energy it will take to get through the evening without breaking down for no apparent reason.

Thursday I was fine.  I was in a good mood.  I was proud of myself and what I've accomplished.  I knew I was working hard to get through another semester of school.  Everything was good.  I got home and O had tripped over the dog, falling onto a plate as it shattered all over the kitchen and he cut himself.  I was there after it had all transpired so I didn't have to deal with the fear, the blood the uncertainty of the incident.  I cleaned up the shattered plate happy to know that my hubby dealt with all of the ugliness associated with it.  O was happily sleeping, his hand bandaged up and fine.  

Friday morning I had several vivid dreams (with my TCM--Traditional Chinese Medicine--training I recognize heart fire signs that need treated).  The last one before I woke was a situation where I watched M get run over by a car.  It was upsetting.  It was disturbing.  I woke up not rested at all and very agitated.  I ran upstairs to check on the kids and they were fine.  I was suddenly, without provocation or warning, in a horrible mood that would last the day.  Nothing terrible happened on Friday but, if you ask me, everything went wrong.  It was a fight just to get through the day.  I had to summon all of the energy I had just to take a shower.  That energy took me through working on a client at work.  We spent the evening at the Astro's game which was fine because there was alcohol there to help me escape.

Saturday morning I was in a better mood but felt exhausted.  I worked with all of my clients without too much effort but was again exhausted and emotional afterwards.  C got called into work and, though we didn't have any plans, I felt like my day was ruined.  Everything was sad and it was just an effort to get through the day.

Sunday morning my mood was a bit better but I was extraordinarily tired.  I signed up for the World Massage Conference last fall which was all done with presentations online.  All presentations were recorded and I have until May 31st to watch what I want to watch and take the quizzes in order to get my CEUs for my National Certification in massage.  I got through a couple hours of the conference and had to take a nap.  We had a b-day party to attend and I barely got myself up and showered in time to go.  So, the emotional part seems better over all but I am so freakin' tired it is almost alarming. 

On the emotional side though, I just let the dog out and while I was outside with him I was sobbing uncontrollably.  No real reason.  Just emotionally frustrated about life in general.  I got a good bit of it out before I got it all under control and I came back in.

I guess I want to vent and to draw a picture of the darkest days of my life but it is difficult for me to discern what is normal and what isn't.  It is such a normal thing in my life to literally have a ton of bricks dropped on me, emotions running rampant, exhaustion, muscle aches, etc. on a fairly regular basis.  I've dealt with it for so long that I don't know what it would be like to feel normal.  What do normal people do and how do they feel?

I don't write this so you feel sorry for me.  I write this so that you all realize that if I act a bit off, it has nothing to do with you nor what you've done.  I just get sensitive over stupid stuff.  I send out an email and no one responds within and hour so I get paranoid and wonder why everyone hates me.  I see M struggling to learn her letters and I think how I've failed her.  O knew many of his letters by sight by 4 years old.  M and I just fight when I try to teach her letters.  Maybe she should go to pre-school this fall.  

I flat out told C that I feel that I am failing at everything.  He replied, "I think the only thing you've failed at is failing to see everything that you do that is so amazing."  I cried.  I would have cried more but I was driving at the time and needed to hold it together.

I'm sure none of this is cohesive.  I've just spewed out little snippets of things as they come to my brain.  Which is quite amazing since my brain feels very fuzzy right now.  I watched a segment from the World Massage Conference today about Fibromyalgia.  I'm pretty sure I have it.  Of course, when I get in these moods, I tend to have everything!  Give me a set of symptoms and I've got the disease for sure!

I guess I'll just go to bed.  I appreciate you 'listening' to me vent.  I hope tomorrow is better.  I don't have time for this crap.  I wish I could explain it better.  I know that many of you deal with these demons so I shouldn't feel like a freak.  It just makes me nuts sometimes to have to deal with this on a regular basis.  I guess it could be worse so I should just stop complaining.   

Lovely Day

My fabulous family treated me to a lovely day yesterday.  We never really officially celebrated my birthday and they wanted to make up for it.  We had a beautiful, yummy brunch on the patio.  There were flowers (red roses chosen by O and pink flowers chosen by M), balloons, donuts, kolaches, mimosas and fresh strawberries.  Yummmmm!  The weather was perfect.  I very much enjoyed myself.  Thank you to my wonderful family.

Oh, and Chinese food for dinner!  Also yum!  I also had time to study for my upcoming quizzes.  No stress.  It was a lovely day.