Depression

WARNING!!  I am only venting in this post and probably will not be good at following a train of thought.  Read at your own risk. 

I am in the throes of a really strong depressive episode.  I've dealt with depression my whole life (not realizing it until I looked back in time) but it seems to get worse the older I get.  That may just be my perception though and not reality.  Perhaps I am just more aware simply because I have more than myself to deal with at this point in my life.  I have a husband and kids to interact with and care for.  When I was younger and single with only myself to worry about I could hole up for a day or two on the couch and get through it.  These days, if I camp out on the couch, I have multiple interruptions in my R&R:  I have two children who need feed, clothed and cleaned; I have a husband who would like to have more of a conversation than me grunting a few angry words in his direction; I have a dog who has to go outside to pee on a regular basis; I get hungry; I have to go to the bathroom; the phone rings; there is nothing on tv to distract my mind......it all really pisses me off.

I get some comfort being by myself.  I also get some comfort when the cats come and lay on top of me--Jetta on my head usually and Rusty on my chest.  Cats have an energy about them that is so calming.  Its like they know you are having a crisis and they just want to lay there with you and support you.  I don't have to pet them or really even interact with them.  They just are there with me.  

The people in my life are not as easy to deal with.  The kids are loud.  The kids are full of energy.  They have grown used to entertaining themselves because they know I won't play with them.  If they are running around yelling, laughing, bouncing off the walls, it grates on my last nerve.  I can't stand the noise.  I can't stand the activity around me.  I have to ask them to leave the room.  They aren't being bad, I just cannot deal with them in that moment.  I can see the concern and questions in my husbands eyes.  I just don't have the energy to talk to him.  Typing on the computer takes much less effort for me than talking.  Plus, I can edit what I type and not what I say.  Unfortunately, hugs and caresses from my people aren't as soothing during these episodes as the physical touch from my cats.  People have different energies, emotions and needs that come across in their touches.  I usually find it irritating.  Or, I usually only want it on my terms.  If my husband wants to give me a hug, I have to determine the length of the hug I can handle.  If I try to pull away and he holds me longer, a bolt of resentment rushes through me and ruins the entire moment.  If the kids want to cuddle, I enjoy it for just a short time until their fidgeting irritates me more than it should.  It is easier to just stay away from all of them which makes me very sad.  At a time when I need them the most, I spend my energy pushing them away.

I've spent hours and hours upon hours trying to figure out what sets me off.  There seems to be a bit of a cyclical pattern that I haven't bothered to track.  If I eat too many carbs and not enough protein it seems to get worse.  If I take my Advocare Products on a regular basis, I don't notice a huge difference.  However, if I STOP taking them like I did this past week during our hurrication, I can feel the difference.  I think that missing my Fem 40+ right before and during my PMS phase was not a good thing.  I wasn't sure if it was making a difference but, without it, I'm a mess emotionally, mentally and physically.  My energy level is low and my mental clarity is poor without my MNS Max Energy .  I swear I am NOT doing a sales pitch here.  Just a personal observation on the products that seem to have helped me cope over the past several months.  I know it is more than just the products.  There are things that I can control:  my time, my diet, my exercise...all of those choices I make in those realms.  The parts I cannot control, hormone levels and other glandular dysfunctions, seem to respond to the Advocare Products that I take along with Chinese Herbs and Acupuncture.  Then when stressful situations arrive in my life, I can better deal with them if I'm feeling good.

It seems like I spend too much time and way too much money trying to find products that help me cope with life.  When I find the right balance and I'm feeling great for awhile then something comes along to throw it all off then it takes me months to get back on track.  That is why I am always amazed at people who achieve so much in life.  Do they not deal with these issues?  Are they just strong enough to get past it?  What is wrong with me?  

Any time western medicine has stepped in, I've been less than satisfied with the results.  I took the antidepressant Effexor for a few months about 7 years ago and I hated the way I felt when I took it.  Plus I had incredibly difficult side effects coming off of it.  I know that there are other antidepressants on the market but that one and only experience made me swear off them all.  That is why I prefer alternative treatments like herbs, vitamins, acupuncture...  Any blood tests I've had from western medical doctors have shown all of my levels "within normal range".  How do you treat someone when western medicine doesn't recognize that there is a problem?

I found a good explanation once describing what researchers found to be a chronic, low-grade depression.  I don't have the desire or the energy to look up that info right now to share with you but it helped me feel that at least I'm not the only one who deals with this.

So, this specific episode seems to have all of these combinations:  stress/adrenaline rush, poor eating habits, lack of activity, all from the hurrication; plus, PMS, a cold causing runny nose and general body ache symptoms just enough to piss me off.  Since I arrived home I have lots to do to get things back to normal around the house and in my life but I just cannot find any motivation to do those things.  I'm still in evacuation mode and I'm still good living out of boxes and bags.  I have, however, gotten the kids clothes, my clothes and the dog's stuff put away.  The kitchen has been clean then messed up and is now somewhere in-between.  I have a box of food that needs to be put away.  However, that would mean organizing the pantry in order to make it all fit.  The trash needs to be collected and taken out.  The floor needs attention from all the leaves and debris that blew in under the doors.  I'm sure there is more but just those few things on my to do list makes my brain just shut down.  It is too overwhelming to deal with.  

Thank goodness that the clinic didn't have power this morning.  I had to cancel the two appointments that I had on the books.  I don't think I could have done a massage if there had been power.  I just feel run down and overwhelmed.  

But, I am feeling better for having vented.  Thank you for listening.