Mom and sis are here! Dinner at Zio's. Yum!

Excited that mom and sis are coming for the weekend!

Funny M

M has had several funnies the past few days that I wanted to share.

Yesterday I was getting her ready for dance class.  We had her required attire already on her and I was doing her hair. 

 

She said, "Mommy, I want my hair in a pony tail."

  

I said, "We have to put it in a bun because that is what ballerinas are required to do with their hair.  After class we can take out the bun and then you can wear it in a pony tail."

This, of course, is a  synopsis of the conversation that included a lot of back and forth and M slowly building up to a melt down.  

Finally I say, "We put your hair in a bun every dance class.  Why are you freaking out about it today?"

I swear, in all honesty, as the tears started flowing, this is what she said: 

 "Because I don't want anyone to call me a hotdog."

I looked at her confused, like she had bubbles coming out of her ears or something, trying desperately to understand why anyone would call her a hotdog at ballet class.

As she cried on with the tears flowing and mumbling about buns and hotdogs it hit me.  She associates the word bun with bread that you wrap around a hotdog.

I almost peed my pants laughing!  Then she stopped crying and started laughing because I was laughing so hard.  She was fine once I convinced her that a bun in your hair is different than a bun for a hotdog.  She was happy to know that no one would be calling her a hotdog.

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At AB's birthday party on Sunday we did not bring our gift.  There was more that we were going to buy and we decided to bring it to her on her actual birthday which is today.  The kids knew we didn't bring a gift.  I told AB and her mom and dad that we would get her gift to her this week and they were fine with it.

Well, after AB had opened her gifts, M came up to us crying her eyes out.  She was upset because AB had not opened a gift from her.  I reminded her that we didn't bring the gift that we would give it to her at her house this week.  Then, since the party was winding down, I told her to go and get a goody bag hoping it would make her feel better.  She started crying again telling me that "you have to bring a gift in order to get a goody bag!"  We assured her that that wasn't the case and she finally calmed down. 

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We are moving M to a booster seat and she and I saw one at Target that is so her:  pink and girly.  We have been talking about it for a few days and we went today to pick one up.  She was so excited!  As we went down the aisle and pulled up next to where it was located on the shelf, she gasped, hand to chest and said, "Oh--my--God!  There it is!  I LOVE it!"  So amazed and enthralled by this car seat!  Soon afterward her hand came to her mouth as she said, "It is beautiful."  I thought she was going to cry from the beauty she saw in this car seat.  SO funny.  So cute.  I wish I had a video camera so you all could see her reaction to it.

Funny stuff.  

 

Thanks for dealing with the drama

Again, as I've said before, thanks to all of you for your support.  Even on my darkest days I know I'm loved and I could reach out to any/all of you.  I just hope you all don't get annoyed with my 2-3 times per year mini dramas.

Anyway, to answer some of your questions...

Yes, depression does run in my family.  I believe it is only a mild to medium form of depression but it is still debilitating.  

I've taken the antidepressant Effexor before.  I didn't like the way I felt on it--numb is the word that comes to mind--and when I weaned off of it it was horrible.  The side effects were terrible.  Even though I know that there are a whole slew of antidepressants out there and they each work a bit differently, I would have to be really bad off to take another.  

I've considered counseling but just never really get around to it.  I've known people who have done well with it but I just haven't taken the plunge yet.

I've tried as many alternative treatments as I can find.  I mostly find success when I can do well with my diet and get regular acupuncture treatments with herbs.  It just so happens that I haven't had an acupuncture treatment for about a month because of time constraints and it came back to bite me!  I find that at this point it is better for me to go see an intern at the school clinic.  I'm hoping within the next semester or two I can do more at home on my own.  I've needled myself some so I know I can do that part.  It is the diagnosing part that I'm not yet good at.

Also, my new blender is due any time now (actually they tried to deliver it on Friday but we had already left for the game and they won't leave it without a signature) so I'm hoping to start having green smoothies daily and get some better nutrition.

We had a pleasant evening at ZCM and CM's house this evening.  I always enjoy just hanging with our wonderful friends.  Even though I've slept so much the past few days I'm still tired this evening.  Hopefully I'll get some good rest tonight and be ready to go tomorrow.  It is back to reality!

Hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day Weekend.  Love to you all!

The day in the life of depression

I've never made it a secret that I deal with depression on a fairly regular basis.  However, I don't know that I've ever come out and described a play by play of dealing with it.  I may have tried in the past but I often reveal these stories after the situation has passed.  Not necessarily as it happens.  Usually as it happens, I tend to become super introverted.  I avoid people.  I avoid public situations just because my emotions are so unpredictable that I fear losing it in front of everyone.  Tomorrow we are supposed to go to ZCM and CM's house for a cookout.  While I look forward to seeing my friends, I dread the energy it will take to get through the evening without breaking down for no apparent reason.

Thursday I was fine.  I was in a good mood.  I was proud of myself and what I've accomplished.  I knew I was working hard to get through another semester of school.  Everything was good.  I got home and O had tripped over the dog, falling onto a plate as it shattered all over the kitchen and he cut himself.  I was there after it had all transpired so I didn't have to deal with the fear, the blood the uncertainty of the incident.  I cleaned up the shattered plate happy to know that my hubby dealt with all of the ugliness associated with it.  O was happily sleeping, his hand bandaged up and fine.  

Friday morning I had several vivid dreams (with my TCM--Traditional Chinese Medicine--training I recognize heart fire signs that need treated).  The last one before I woke was a situation where I watched M get run over by a car.  It was upsetting.  It was disturbing.  I woke up not rested at all and very agitated.  I ran upstairs to check on the kids and they were fine.  I was suddenly, without provocation or warning, in a horrible mood that would last the day.  Nothing terrible happened on Friday but, if you ask me, everything went wrong.  It was a fight just to get through the day.  I had to summon all of the energy I had just to take a shower.  That energy took me through working on a client at work.  We spent the evening at the Astro's game which was fine because there was alcohol there to help me escape.

Saturday morning I was in a better mood but felt exhausted.  I worked with all of my clients without too much effort but was again exhausted and emotional afterwards.  C got called into work and, though we didn't have any plans, I felt like my day was ruined.  Everything was sad and it was just an effort to get through the day.

Sunday morning my mood was a bit better but I was extraordinarily tired.  I signed up for the World Massage Conference last fall which was all done with presentations online.  All presentations were recorded and I have until May 31st to watch what I want to watch and take the quizzes in order to get my CEUs for my National Certification in massage.  I got through a couple hours of the conference and had to take a nap.  We had a b-day party to attend and I barely got myself up and showered in time to go.  So, the emotional part seems better over all but I am so freakin' tired it is almost alarming. 

On the emotional side though, I just let the dog out and while I was outside with him I was sobbing uncontrollably.  No real reason.  Just emotionally frustrated about life in general.  I got a good bit of it out before I got it all under control and I came back in.

I guess I want to vent and to draw a picture of the darkest days of my life but it is difficult for me to discern what is normal and what isn't.  It is such a normal thing in my life to literally have a ton of bricks dropped on me, emotions running rampant, exhaustion, muscle aches, etc. on a fairly regular basis.  I've dealt with it for so long that I don't know what it would be like to feel normal.  What do normal people do and how do they feel?

I don't write this so you feel sorry for me.  I write this so that you all realize that if I act a bit off, it has nothing to do with you nor what you've done.  I just get sensitive over stupid stuff.  I send out an email and no one responds within and hour so I get paranoid and wonder why everyone hates me.  I see M struggling to learn her letters and I think how I've failed her.  O knew many of his letters by sight by 4 years old.  M and I just fight when I try to teach her letters.  Maybe she should go to pre-school this fall.  

I flat out told C that I feel that I am failing at everything.  He replied, "I think the only thing you've failed at is failing to see everything that you do that is so amazing."  I cried.  I would have cried more but I was driving at the time and needed to hold it together.

I'm sure none of this is cohesive.  I've just spewed out little snippets of things as they come to my brain.  Which is quite amazing since my brain feels very fuzzy right now.  I watched a segment from the World Massage Conference today about Fibromyalgia.  I'm pretty sure I have it.  Of course, when I get in these moods, I tend to have everything!  Give me a set of symptoms and I've got the disease for sure!

I guess I'll just go to bed.  I appreciate you 'listening' to me vent.  I hope tomorrow is better.  I don't have time for this crap.  I wish I could explain it better.  I know that many of you deal with these demons so I shouldn't feel like a freak.  It just makes me nuts sometimes to have to deal with this on a regular basis.  I guess it could be worse so I should just stop complaining.   

Astros game. Nosebleed seats. Free tix. 2nd yard of margaritas. Great Friday family night!

Lunch with O at school. He has only 8 days left of 1st grade!