I've never made it a secret that I deal with depression on a fairly regular basis. However, I don't know that I've ever come out and described a play by play of dealing with it. I may have tried in the past but I often reveal these stories after the situation has passed. Not necessarily as it happens. Usually as it happens, I tend to become super introverted. I avoid people. I avoid public situations just because my emotions are so unpredictable that I fear losing it in front of everyone. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to ZCM and CM's house for a cookout. While I look forward to seeing my friends, I dread the energy it will take to get through the evening without breaking down for no apparent reason.
Thursday I was fine. I was in a good mood. I was proud of myself and what I've accomplished. I knew I was working hard to get through another semester of school. Everything was good. I got home and O had tripped over the dog, falling onto a plate as it shattered all over the kitchen and he cut himself. I was there after it had all transpired so I didn't have to deal with the fear, the blood the uncertainty of the incident. I cleaned up the shattered plate happy to know that my hubby dealt with all of the ugliness associated with it. O was happily sleeping, his hand bandaged up and fine.
Friday morning I had several vivid dreams (with my TCM--Traditional Chinese Medicine--training I recognize heart fire signs that need treated). The last one before I woke was a situation where I watched M get run over by a car. It was upsetting. It was disturbing. I woke up not rested at all and very agitated. I ran upstairs to check on the kids and they were fine. I was suddenly, without provocation or warning, in a horrible mood that would last the day. Nothing terrible happened on Friday but, if you ask me, everything went wrong. It was a fight just to get through the day. I had to summon all of the energy I had just to take a shower. That energy took me through working on a client at work. We spent the evening at the Astro's game which was fine because there was alcohol there to help me escape.
Saturday morning I was in a better mood but felt exhausted. I worked with all of my clients without too much effort but was again exhausted and emotional afterwards. C got called into work and, though we didn't have any plans, I felt like my day was ruined. Everything was sad and it was just an effort to get through the day.
Sunday morning my mood was a bit better but I was extraordinarily tired. I signed up for the World Massage Conference last fall which was all done with presentations online. All presentations were recorded and I have until May 31st to watch what I want to watch and take the quizzes in order to get my CEUs for my National Certification in massage. I got through a couple hours of the conference and had to take a nap. We had a b-day party to attend and I barely got myself up and showered in time to go. So, the emotional part seems better over all but I am so freakin' tired it is almost alarming.
On the emotional side though, I just let the dog out and while I was outside with him I was sobbing uncontrollably. No real reason. Just emotionally frustrated about life in general. I got a good bit of it out before I got it all under control and I came back in.
I guess I want to vent and to draw a picture of the darkest days of my life but it is difficult for me to discern what is normal and what isn't. It is such a normal thing in my life to literally have a ton of bricks dropped on me, emotions running rampant, exhaustion, muscle aches, etc. on a fairly regular basis. I've dealt with it for so long that I don't know what it would be like to feel normal. What do normal people do and how do they feel?
I don't write this so you feel sorry for me. I write this so that you all realize that if I act a bit off, it has nothing to do with you nor what you've done. I just get sensitive over stupid stuff. I send out an email and no one responds within and hour so I get paranoid and wonder why everyone hates me. I see M struggling to learn her letters and I think how I've failed her. O knew many of his letters by sight by 4 years old. M and I just fight when I try to teach her letters. Maybe she should go to pre-school this fall.
I flat out told C that I feel that I am failing at everything. He replied, "I think the only thing you've failed at is failing to see everything that you do that is so amazing." I cried. I would have cried more but I was driving at the time and needed to hold it together.
I'm sure none of this is cohesive. I've just spewed out little snippets of things as they come to my brain. Which is quite amazing since my brain feels very fuzzy right now. I watched a segment from the World Massage Conference today about Fibromyalgia. I'm pretty sure I have it. Of course, when I get in these moods, I tend to have everything! Give me a set of symptoms and I've got the disease for sure!
I guess I'll just go to bed. I appreciate you 'listening' to me vent. I hope tomorrow is better. I don't have time for this crap. I wish I could explain it better. I know that many of you deal with these demons so I shouldn't feel like a freak. It just makes me nuts sometimes to have to deal with this on a regular basis. I guess it could be worse so I should just stop complaining.
